Not Disabled in Spirit

 Greetings again,

There are times when my disabilities get the better of me. There are times when I am drawn into the depths of depression due to my condition and the things I can't do. I dream of a time when this was not the case, but looking back it is simply not true. I have always had issues which have plagued me in a medical sense. The important thing is that I struggle, and I continue to struggle.

I refuse to be disabled in spirit. I will use my power to flourish. I will use my power to live the best life I can regardless of what issues there might be with my body. I will fight for every drop of life I can drink. 

I will not be disabled in spirit. I have a host of medical issues which plague me daily, but I will not accept that these will rule my life completely. I will not accept being disabled in spirit, I will fight for what I can do, where I can flourish. I will not accept that because I have disabilities I should sit back and watch life go by. No. This is not my life, and it will not be my life, I refuse to be disabled in spirit.

If you have a spirit of can, you can do a lot more than a spirit of can't. The challenges present in life are a chance to grow stronger, to learn from mistakes, and grow even more. The necessary thing here is that you are not disabled in spirit, but allow your spirit to flourish, regardless of what issues might plague you.

Cheers,

Henry.

Fight for Life

 Greetings, 

It has been a while since I posted here, I have been somewhat busy writing and fencing, as usual. I have come to a bit of a block, and now I am figuring my way around it, just as I have done for all the other obstacles placed in my path. Fibro has sucked over Winter, but that was expected. Enough of the guff, time for the post...

Cheers,

Henry.

A Fight for Life

I spend much of my days either writing or fencing. This is the nature of my life, it is the life I have to me. The reason for this is that I have determined that I will fight for life. Not just to exist, but to live.

I have had some sort of illness or another, physical or mental, from the day I was born. The thing is that my parents did not coddle me, they did not try and prevent me from doing things, quite the opposite, they encouraged me to do things. They encouraged me to get out with my friends and have fun; they encouraged me to take up sports; and did what they could to support this process.

They encouraged me to try things and find out what I was good at, they encouraged me to succeed where I was drawn, not to be shoe-horned into some path I was not interested in. I decided I wanted to become an historian, not an accountant or some other occupation which would pay a significant amount, my parents supported my decision. This was evident even from when I was in secondary school, and further into high school. I took history subjects wherever I could find them, to increase my knowledge, to increase my critical thinking.

All of this imbued me with a drive for what I wanted, regardless of what that was; if there was a way I would find it, if there wasn’t a way, I would simply find a way. The concepts of “can’t”, “shouldn’t”, “mustn’t” and other such words simply waved a red flag in my face. I will admit some of this tendency did drive me toward trouble and things I really should not have, but each was a learning experience. Every time I failed, I learnt something from the situation. This drive has led me to the place where I am today.

I have sacrificed opportunities and different paths to lead where I am now. Some of those paths were simply closed to me due to my circumstances. I did not berate the situation, curse it, I simply found another way around, some other way to achieve what I wanted to achieve. I am not saying that I have not had my set-backs, times when I could have chosen better, times when I could have done better; no, this would paint the wrong picture of me, I am no saint, no genius, I am just a person who decided what sort of life I wanted and have striven toward it.

Is my life perfect? Certainly not. I still have struggles, and not only with my health. Am I yet where I want to be? Certainly not, I have found a path with no end in sight, a path that will only end with my last breath. This appeals to me that I will never find the end. The Wisdom of Silenus states that we should prefer to die early than know we will never find the end of the path, never learn everything, never do everything we want; I take this not as a reason to be depressed, but to accept the challenge that I will do what I can, I will do as much as I can before my life ends, I will strive to the dizzying heights, even if I never make it.

I fight for life. I want to live, not just exist, and if this requires me to stand outside the normal bounds, then so be it. I will strive for life; I will fight for every little bit of life I can get.

Happy for the Challenge

 Greetings,

I do not post on this blog as much as I have previously, and I probably should. There are things which, I should speak about; which should appear on this blog because they are relevant to me as a person with a disability, but this will come a little later on. This post came about after some thought about my situation, some philosophical thought one could say, but I think it is important that I state it.

To be clear, before I begin this post, I would prefer not to have that list of conditions. I would prefer to be well, and have the concerns of finding "normal" employment. This would have given me access to my dream job, changed a lot of things in my life, and prevented a lot of things that occurred in my history. However, I do not regret any of my history, because it made me the man I am today; without all of that, I would not be presenting the blog that so many readers have enjoyed. Here I state, that I  embrace my fate, I love my life, in the words of Friedrich Nietzsche, amor fati - love your fate, and so I shall.

I am happy for the challenge that fibromyalgia and all my other conditions have presented. If I did not have my disabilities, there would be a long list of things that I would not have done, and would not have known about myself. I will present these things for you to read and to consider.

If I did not have my disabilities: 

I would not have found so much strength. My disabilities forced me to find ways to adapt to the changes in my body. They forced me to find ways to prevail where, by all accounts I should've crawled into a corner and given up. I found this strength within myself, because I had to, and because I went looking for it, because I chose to go looking for it.

I would not have the opportunities I have to write, research, and fence. My conditions have prevented me from getting a "normal" job. They have prevented me from getting the paying version of my dream job. In the same way, because I don't have a "normal" job, I have time to write, I have time to research and I have time to develop my skills in swordplay. More, to choose what I write and research, because I am beholding to no one in this regard.

I would not have the opportunity to choose my path. In the same way as the above, if I was not on the disability pension, I would have to find a job. Likely this would entail "something to pay the bills" rather than doing what I love to do. Because I am on a pension, due to my disabilities, I choose my path, choose the path of an author, fencer and self-publisher.

I would not have the opportunity to enrich my life. Some would think that this is odd due to the lower fiscal situation that disability pensioners find themselves in. I enrich my life through reading, through a greater understanding of the world, through a enriching my mind through reading philosophy and understanding the great minds that came before us. I have the time to enrich my life with knowledge.

I would not have found some of the lovely people I have, nor grown such connections with them. I have a lot of people to be thankful in my life. Without my disability I would not have found these people, and it is not because they are support people, though they all fulfil this role in their own way. No, I have grown friendships as a result of kinship through disability; friend support friends. I have found that there are good hearts out in the world, you just have to find them. I will not name these people, but I hope they know who they are. Understand this when I say, I love you all.

There are twists of fate, or circumstance if you are of a more scientific mind, which occur which seem cruel at the time. They seem to rip and tear at us, they seem to leave us twisted and broken, not the same people who we were before. It is true a person will never be the person who they were before, this is the nature of time; you are not the person you were yesterday. You are not even the person you were before you read this article. The question is always how we treat these situations and their results.

A portion of time arrives, a situation occurs during that portion of time; a person makes a choice during that portion of time. Afterward the person must learn to live with the consequences of that decision. This is life. There are circumstances where there is no choice made by the person, the choice comes afterward, the choice is how the person deals with the aftermath of the situation, here there is still choice and the consequences of that choice, and doing nothing is a choice.

The beginnings of this is being thankful for your life, and I surely am. I have many things to be thankful in my life, those listed above are a short list. Remember, your life could always be worse than it currently is, there is always someone who could claim that they are having a harder time that you. Take what you have of your life and embrace it. Take the challenge of life and live it, and live it well. Be thankful for the challenges, embrace them as a chance to grow.

Cheers, Henry.

AMOR FATI - Love Your Fate

 Greetings,

So I have been studying a little Stoicism of late, actually I have been reading and learning about Stoicism quite a bit of late as it suits my method of thinking and I wanted to share a thought about one of Stoicism's philosophical tenets. I think that this will be of assistance to some, especially those who have chronic pain, or other chronic health issues, like fibromyalgia (FM) which is what much of this blog is about, my travels through life with FM. To explain how this philosophical tenet works I will be telling a story, my story.

AMOR FATI - Love Your Fate

In the far past days of  my childhood, I had the urge to serve, I did not know this at the time, but when I look back at it this is what the urge was. My first choice of occupation was to join the military forces, my first choice for this was to join the army, go to the Australian Defence Force Academy, become an officer, lead men, and so forth. Of course, this dream was shattered when I found out that I would not pass the medical examination, I was a chronic asthmatic. So even if I was as fit and smart as the rest, No getting in there.

My second plan, once again was to serve. I wrote to my great-uncle who was an Deputy Commissioner in the Queensland Police Service whether there was a chance I could become a police officer, even being a chronic asthmatic. He wrote back to me telling me that I could but before I went for the medical, I would have to have two years completely clear of asthma. Well, that was not going to happen in a hurry, so I shelved that idea.

When we were asked in school what we wanted to be when we grew up, needless to say I had already had a good, long, think about where I was going, and my limitations. This boy wanted to be a fireman, that girl wanted to be a nurse, I decided that I wanted to be an historian. So, from them on any chance I got I would study history of what ever I could get my hands on.

The same pattern followed through my High School years, my eyes were firmly set on my goal. I had a look at other options on the way. I even dabbled a little with the idea of being a shot firer, the person who sets and detonates explosives at mines, but I was clearly going for my goal. Well, there were some stumbles, like failing my first attempt at university, and spending three-and-a-half years unemployed.

During that time of unemployment, with too high a skill level, and no qualifications, that I was put in an office traineeship. Seemed like an idea to tide me over until university places and funding was available. Then I developed pain in my fingers and wrists, to the point that I could not write or even make a sandwich. Here is where FM loomed its ugly head, of course it was misdiagnosed for about two-and-a-half years, meaning that I ended up on anti-inflammatories, which damaged the lining of my stomach, so now I cannot take them at all.

Eventually, I got a diagnosis from a specialist at the local hospital. End of the traineeship, not much good having an employee who has to take random days off because his body doesn't work. I applied for a disability pension. It was rejected and told that it would all clear up in six weeks (I wish). More job search without luck. Eventually I ended up going back to university to do the degree that would set me on the path to becoming an historian.

The Disability Support Officer at the university was great, she helped me manage my degree so I could handle the work. I was given extra time for my examinations, a laptop to type on rather than write. My lecturers were also really understanding, I was able to get extensions on my assignments when I needed them, and they understood my random absences. Only issues throughout the whole thing was dealing with the government to remain funded, and this happened almost every year.

So, you'd think a person with a degree is more easily able to find work, right? Nope. Now you are too over qualified, or under-qualified, you are sandwiched in between where you need to be. I spent a year or so being bounced around again, not finding suitable employment due to my FM. So, I went back to university to do Honours. Finished that, now I am technically qualified in my field. Of course, the offerings for historians are like hen's teeth, they do exist, just very rare.

During my last years of High School I had joined a medieval and Renaissance recreation group the SCA, and was enjoying myself recreating bits of history. If you enjoy studying history, what could be better than living bits of it? This enjoyment did not abate all the way through these ups and downs.

Along the way I had learned how to use a sword called the rapier, now think of a weapon which is the grand-father of the modern epee, and you are on the right sort of track. This is a different sort of fencing: it is not restricted to a strip, it is fought often on a marked out field called a list; unlike sport fencing, you can use your other hand sometimes even to carry another weapon; this form of fencing is based on treatises from the 13th to the 17th centuries. I was developing quite a bit of skill along the way.

To cut a much longer story short, I do still study bits of history, but it is usually something to do with fencing. I fence more than most people, and I actually teach people how to fence. I actually did get on the Disability Pension, so by default I am being paid by the government to research history, and teach people how to fence. I am also writing and publishing some books, which I never thought was going to happen. All in all I am happy with the way things have turned out. This is because I have embraced the way things have turned out rather than resented it. Yes, it has taken me longer than most to get here, but I am more comfortable with what I am doing than most are with what they are.

AMOR FATI - Love Your Fate means to love your life the way it is, not resenting things that did not happen and not hoping for things that might not happen. It is accepting things the way they are and embracing them with all your heart. I accept that my conditions impede my progress, but without them I would not be in the position that I am in now, more in control of what I do during the day than most, more in control of my career than most. Take your life and live it to its fullest.

AMOR FATI - Love Your Fate

A small side note, you will note that I have used lots of Wikipedia links. It is because I believe it is a good resource and worthy of use. It now has the research of many more respected resources as you will find in the bibliographies of many of the articles and I encourage my readers to donate to the Wikipedia to keep this valuable resource alive and free for all.