Happy for the Challenge

 Greetings,

I do not post on this blog as much as I have previously, and I probably should. There are things which, I should speak about; which should appear on this blog because they are relevant to me as a person with a disability, but this will come a little later on. This post came about after some thought about my situation, some philosophical thought one could say, but I think it is important that I state it.

To be clear, before I begin this post, I would prefer not to have that list of conditions. I would prefer to be well, and have the concerns of finding "normal" employment. This would have given me access to my dream job, changed a lot of things in my life, and prevented a lot of things that occurred in my history. However, I do not regret any of my history, because it made me the man I am today; without all of that, I would not be presenting the blog that so many readers have enjoyed. Here I state, that I  embrace my fate, I love my life, in the words of Friedrich Nietzsche, amor fati - love your fate, and so I shall.

I am happy for the challenge that fibromyalgia and all my other conditions have presented. If I did not have my disabilities, there would be a long list of things that I would not have done, and would not have known about myself. I will present these things for you to read and to consider.

If I did not have my disabilities: 

I would not have found so much strength. My disabilities forced me to find ways to adapt to the changes in my body. They forced me to find ways to prevail where, by all accounts I should've crawled into a corner and given up. I found this strength within myself, because I had to, and because I went looking for it, because I chose to go looking for it.

I would not have the opportunities I have to write, research, and fence. My conditions have prevented me from getting a "normal" job. They have prevented me from getting the paying version of my dream job. In the same way, because I don't have a "normal" job, I have time to write, I have time to research and I have time to develop my skills in swordplay. More, to choose what I write and research, because I am beholding to no one in this regard.

I would not have the opportunity to choose my path. In the same way as the above, if I was not on the disability pension, I would have to find a job. Likely this would entail "something to pay the bills" rather than doing what I love to do. Because I am on a pension, due to my disabilities, I choose my path, choose the path of an author, fencer and self-publisher.

I would not have the opportunity to enrich my life. Some would think that this is odd due to the lower fiscal situation that disability pensioners find themselves in. I enrich my life through reading, through a greater understanding of the world, through a enriching my mind through reading philosophy and understanding the great minds that came before us. I have the time to enrich my life with knowledge.

I would not have found some of the lovely people I have, nor grown such connections with them. I have a lot of people to be thankful in my life. Without my disability I would not have found these people, and it is not because they are support people, though they all fulfil this role in their own way. No, I have grown friendships as a result of kinship through disability; friend support friends. I have found that there are good hearts out in the world, you just have to find them. I will not name these people, but I hope they know who they are. Understand this when I say, I love you all.

There are twists of fate, or circumstance if you are of a more scientific mind, which occur which seem cruel at the time. They seem to rip and tear at us, they seem to leave us twisted and broken, not the same people who we were before. It is true a person will never be the person who they were before, this is the nature of time; you are not the person you were yesterday. You are not even the person you were before you read this article. The question is always how we treat these situations and their results.

A portion of time arrives, a situation occurs during that portion of time; a person makes a choice during that portion of time. Afterward the person must learn to live with the consequences of that decision. This is life. There are circumstances where there is no choice made by the person, the choice comes afterward, the choice is how the person deals with the aftermath of the situation, here there is still choice and the consequences of that choice, and doing nothing is a choice.

The beginnings of this is being thankful for your life, and I surely am. I have many things to be thankful in my life, those listed above are a short list. Remember, your life could always be worse than it currently is, there is always someone who could claim that they are having a harder time that you. Take what you have of your life and embrace it. Take the challenge of life and live it, and live it well. Be thankful for the challenges, embrace them as a chance to grow.

Cheers, Henry.

... But That's Not Me

 Greetings,

Funny thing, this started as a Facebook (FB) post, but it grew into something more worthy of a post on my blog, and I have posted so infrequently on this blog that I decided that it was time that I started again, at least on a more semi-regular basis. Before I get to the nitty-gritty of the current situation, I had my second Pfizer shot, with much the same resulting side-effects as the last, i.e. a week-long flare of my fibromyalgia (FM) symptoms. You can read the previous post if you want details. I still think it is worth it; COVID and the potential long-term side-effects would be much worse. Anyway, enough of that stuff, it's not actually why I am here today.

Like this blog I occasionally post some things on FB to raise awareness about FM, these are primarily images which I share from sites across FB. These are not cries for sympathy, I don't want sympathy it does me no good whatsoever. Sympathy is a salve for the individual who gives it. It makes them feel better. Sure it makes the other person feel better for a little while, but it is like giving painkillers to fix a broken spine. They take the pain away briefly, but the spine is still broken; and the painkillers become addictive and begin losing their effect after a while.

Empathy is a little more useful, though I find it difficult to understand how a person who does not have FM can empathise with a person who does. "Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another's position." as defined by Wikipedia. How can a person "feel" what the person with FM feels every day, what they experience? Empathy is a long stretch in my opinion. Understanding, now that is a possibility, even if it is described through the particular lens of the individual, that will do nicely. Understand that we have our good days and our bad days. Understand that the symptoms are annoyingly random. Understand that it is like a roulette wheel as to whether tomorrow will be a good day or not. Further, understand that people react differently.

Returning to my original position, I post the images because they often do a good job explaining some of what I experience, however I dislike reading many of the comments because they do not relate to me. It's one of the reasons that I have not joined a support group in the decades since I was diagnosed. I have run into people who have FM and there tends to be two types. 

The first type allows their condition to rule their lives. It is the explanation for the reason why they don't do things. FM is the reason they don't or can't go out and do things. FM has ruined their lives because their body will not allow them to do things, because it hurts. They do things and it causes them pain so they don't do them anymore. They focus on the negative.

The second type understands the effect the condition has had on their lives, but pushes against those boundaries every chance they get. They go out and do things regardless of their condition; in some cases deliberately in spite of their condition. They push they pain to one side so they can go out and do things, and find that while they are doing them they don't notice the pain. They push their limits, and pay for it, and then go out and push their limits again, and again. 

The problem is that most of the responses to the images that I find are from the first type, and I am certainly from the second type. I want to find out what I can do, and keep on doing it. I don't want the spiral of ever-reducing capacity. I want to get out there and keep doing things.

I thought about responding to the comments, to show these people that there is hope, but you have to find it within yourselves rather than go looking for it elsewhere. I thought about arguing it from a philosophical point of view, pointing them toward the Stoics for a better way to live. The Roman emperor, and Stoic, Marcus Aurelius suffered from chronic illness. His Meditations as we know it now has passages about pain and illness, because he suffered and responded. I thought about even pointing them toward Nietzsche who also suffered from chronic illness throughout his life, pointing them toward his "will to power", but I wonder what the responses would be. 

Instead, I write to you, my dear reader, explaining how these people are not me. They do not represent everyone with FM; we have not all lost hope; some of us do not live our lives in little balls of pain shutting the world out complaining about all the pain, we have lives to live. The only way to change your life is for you to change your life. Take a different perspective. Change your thought patterns. Don't wait for the miracle cure that may or may not happen. This is your life, go out and live it.

Cheers,

Henry.

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You will notice a lot of Wikipedia links in my posts. This is a great resource of free information which is now reliably researched, as you will note by the references which appear at the bottom of each page. I donate to the Wikimedia Foundation every year to keep this non-profit group operational, and I recommend that everyone do the same, you can do this HERE. Please give, and keep this free source of information alive, there are few of them these days.

The COVID Vaccine: My First Pfizer Shot

Greetings,

There are somethings that must be made clear before you begin reading the following entry. First, I apologise that it has been so long that I have made an entry on this blog, I just have not found anything which I thought was relevant to write. Second, this was my first Pfizer vaccine shot against the COVID-19 virus and I went in with open eyes. Third, I have multiple co-morbid conditions which likely added to the symptoms which you will read below. Fourth, this is intended to educate, not scare, any of my fellow fibro-fighters in regard to the Pfizer vaccine. Finally, and most importantly, I will be having the second and booster shots when they become available. One could almost term me as a pro-vaxxer, if I could afford it they could line up all the vaccinations and I would have them all.

These records come from my Facebook page, made so I could record them and post them here, no I can explain the situation...

"Pfizer vax No.1 done... about 12hrs ago, certainly not looking like I am going to be up to much this week if symptoms persist." 

In preparation for my vaccine, I cleared out my entire week because I did not know how my fibromyalgia (FM) was going to react with the Pfizer vaccine. I had heard varied reports from people with various chronic health conditions. By this time I was feeling a little uncomfortable, nothing new after being out all day really. I seemed to have missed the +24hr mark, obviously I was busy with other things, or just plain forgot. The reports continue...

"Pfizer +48hrs: general aches, FM not playing well at all, headache, joints not happy, costochondritis present; a little warm, but not feverish."

By this time the vaccine was truly in my system. I was beginning to feel the real symptoms of the side-effects. "Flu-like symptoms" is how they describe it, some "aches and pains" is a further comment. What it really means is it wakes all your FM symptoms and turns them all on. This was actually just the side-effects warming up.

"Pfizer shot+72hrs: fibro is still in "flare mode"; last night right leg froze up and made walking "interesting"; have a headache which is almost constant and has been so since 6hrs+; pick a joint it's probably either stiff, painful, or waiting it's turn; focus is varied, "fibro-fog" is having a party unless I focus hard, which exacerbates headache; pottering along, doing what I can, not expecting much.

Still going ahead with second, regardless."

By this time I was experiencing side-effects which I can only describe as what I experienced during some of my worst fibro-flares. You can see the physical and mental effects that it was having on me just by the description. I spent most of the time relaxing as much as possible, like I do when my FM is flaring. You will also note my usual stubbornness present in regard to having the second shot, even with these symptoms present. I would rather go through all of this all over again, than have the higher chance of getting COVID and the possible after-effects of that. Moving on with the story...

 

"Pfizer +96hrs (4 days): headache is still there; "fibro flare" is beginning to subside; walking is becoming less painful, joints less painful, but still present; overall some improvement, hoping to be "sociable" by tomorrow."

The worst part of it was over by now. There was still some pain, but I was certainly more mobile than I was before, even 12hrs before I made the report. I mean I know how stubborn I am, but this was actual improvement. I was still unstable, still had a bit of lingering "fibro-fog" but it was certainly improving by this stage, and looking back, I have certainly been sicker.

"Pfizer update +6 days: Almost back to "normal" (whatever the hell that means). I still have lymph glands which are up. I still have some muscle soreness and achy joints (but much less than it has been). I still have the headache, but it is background noise. Thank goodness "fibro-fog" has almost reduced down to normal levels, that has been the worst in my opinion. Screw the pain, screw the movement limitation, the "not being able to think properly" thing sucks the worst."

The last report that I posted appears above. I did not bother with another report a week later, which was yesterday actually. I am mostly back to "normal" I am now just living with the consequences of being inactive for a week. My body doesn't like moving too much my brain is back to its usual self, though I do have a niggling occasional headache, which could be explained by my messed up neck. I definitely believe that the fibro-fog was the worst. If I could've just sat and watched or wrote, or played games, that would've been alright, but the fog made it hard along with the headache.

In a nut-shell, I've had fibro-flares which were worse, some which were brought on by other medications, some which were brought on by completely external sources. I will be getting the second Pfizer shot, I know that there is the potential for a repeat, or worse, of these symptoms, but in the end it will be worth it. As Nietzsche said, "What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.” The Stoics, through the emperor Marcus Aurelius, who had his own chronic health issues, had a similar approach in that everything is fuel for the fire to make us greater.

Talk with your health professional, see which COVID vaccination is right for you. Prepare for the possible side-effects by reading about them, informing yourself as you would anything else, but ask your health professional about anything you are worried about. Do not fear the possible outcomes. Know that you are not only doing this for yourself, but your loved ones, and those who cannot have the vaccine. This is not just a question of being good to your loved ones, but everyone you meet, being a good human being. I will leave you with this comment from the aforementioned Marcus Aurelius to consider.

"Have I done something for the common good? Then I too have benefited. Have this thought always ready to hand: and no stopping." Marcus Aurelius - Meditations

I hope that what I have said will help you, not inspire you, but help you. I wish you a pain-free day.

Cheers,

Henry.