Fight for Life

 Greetings, 

It has been a while since I posted here, I have been somewhat busy writing and fencing, as usual. I have come to a bit of a block, and now I am figuring my way around it, just as I have done for all the other obstacles placed in my path. Fibro has sucked over Winter, but that was expected. Enough of the guff, time for the post...

Cheers,

Henry.

A Fight for Life

I spend much of my days either writing or fencing. This is the nature of my life, it is the life I have to me. The reason for this is that I have determined that I will fight for life. Not just to exist, but to live.

I have had some sort of illness or another, physical or mental, from the day I was born. The thing is that my parents did not coddle me, they did not try and prevent me from doing things, quite the opposite, they encouraged me to do things. They encouraged me to get out with my friends and have fun; they encouraged me to take up sports; and did what they could to support this process.

They encouraged me to try things and find out what I was good at, they encouraged me to succeed where I was drawn, not to be shoe-horned into some path I was not interested in. I decided I wanted to become an historian, not an accountant or some other occupation which would pay a significant amount, my parents supported my decision. This was evident even from when I was in secondary school, and further into high school. I took history subjects wherever I could find them, to increase my knowledge, to increase my critical thinking.

All of this imbued me with a drive for what I wanted, regardless of what that was; if there was a way I would find it, if there wasn’t a way, I would simply find a way. The concepts of “can’t”, “shouldn’t”, “mustn’t” and other such words simply waved a red flag in my face. I will admit some of this tendency did drive me toward trouble and things I really should not have, but each was a learning experience. Every time I failed, I learnt something from the situation. This drive has led me to the place where I am today.

I have sacrificed opportunities and different paths to lead where I am now. Some of those paths were simply closed to me due to my circumstances. I did not berate the situation, curse it, I simply found another way around, some other way to achieve what I wanted to achieve. I am not saying that I have not had my set-backs, times when I could have chosen better, times when I could have done better; no, this would paint the wrong picture of me, I am no saint, no genius, I am just a person who decided what sort of life I wanted and have striven toward it.

Is my life perfect? Certainly not. I still have struggles, and not only with my health. Am I yet where I want to be? Certainly not, I have found a path with no end in sight, a path that will only end with my last breath. This appeals to me that I will never find the end. The Wisdom of Silenus states that we should prefer to die early than know we will never find the end of the path, never learn everything, never do everything we want; I take this not as a reason to be depressed, but to accept the challenge that I will do what I can, I will do as much as I can before my life ends, I will strive to the dizzying heights, even if I never make it.

I fight for life. I want to live, not just exist, and if this requires me to stand outside the normal bounds, then so be it. I will strive for life; I will fight for every little bit of life I can get.

... But That's Not Me

 Greetings,

Funny thing, this started as a Facebook (FB) post, but it grew into something more worthy of a post on my blog, and I have posted so infrequently on this blog that I decided that it was time that I started again, at least on a more semi-regular basis. Before I get to the nitty-gritty of the current situation, I had my second Pfizer shot, with much the same resulting side-effects as the last, i.e. a week-long flare of my fibromyalgia (FM) symptoms. You can read the previous post if you want details. I still think it is worth it; COVID and the potential long-term side-effects would be much worse. Anyway, enough of that stuff, it's not actually why I am here today.

Like this blog I occasionally post some things on FB to raise awareness about FM, these are primarily images which I share from sites across FB. These are not cries for sympathy, I don't want sympathy it does me no good whatsoever. Sympathy is a salve for the individual who gives it. It makes them feel better. Sure it makes the other person feel better for a little while, but it is like giving painkillers to fix a broken spine. They take the pain away briefly, but the spine is still broken; and the painkillers become addictive and begin losing their effect after a while.

Empathy is a little more useful, though I find it difficult to understand how a person who does not have FM can empathise with a person who does. "Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another's position." as defined by Wikipedia. How can a person "feel" what the person with FM feels every day, what they experience? Empathy is a long stretch in my opinion. Understanding, now that is a possibility, even if it is described through the particular lens of the individual, that will do nicely. Understand that we have our good days and our bad days. Understand that the symptoms are annoyingly random. Understand that it is like a roulette wheel as to whether tomorrow will be a good day or not. Further, understand that people react differently.

Returning to my original position, I post the images because they often do a good job explaining some of what I experience, however I dislike reading many of the comments because they do not relate to me. It's one of the reasons that I have not joined a support group in the decades since I was diagnosed. I have run into people who have FM and there tends to be two types. 

The first type allows their condition to rule their lives. It is the explanation for the reason why they don't do things. FM is the reason they don't or can't go out and do things. FM has ruined their lives because their body will not allow them to do things, because it hurts. They do things and it causes them pain so they don't do them anymore. They focus on the negative.

The second type understands the effect the condition has had on their lives, but pushes against those boundaries every chance they get. They go out and do things regardless of their condition; in some cases deliberately in spite of their condition. They push they pain to one side so they can go out and do things, and find that while they are doing them they don't notice the pain. They push their limits, and pay for it, and then go out and push their limits again, and again. 

The problem is that most of the responses to the images that I find are from the first type, and I am certainly from the second type. I want to find out what I can do, and keep on doing it. I don't want the spiral of ever-reducing capacity. I want to get out there and keep doing things.

I thought about responding to the comments, to show these people that there is hope, but you have to find it within yourselves rather than go looking for it elsewhere. I thought about arguing it from a philosophical point of view, pointing them toward the Stoics for a better way to live. The Roman emperor, and Stoic, Marcus Aurelius suffered from chronic illness. His Meditations as we know it now has passages about pain and illness, because he suffered and responded. I thought about even pointing them toward Nietzsche who also suffered from chronic illness throughout his life, pointing them toward his "will to power", but I wonder what the responses would be. 

Instead, I write to you, my dear reader, explaining how these people are not me. They do not represent everyone with FM; we have not all lost hope; some of us do not live our lives in little balls of pain shutting the world out complaining about all the pain, we have lives to live. The only way to change your life is for you to change your life. Take a different perspective. Change your thought patterns. Don't wait for the miracle cure that may or may not happen. This is your life, go out and live it.

Cheers,

Henry.

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