Let's Talk About Pain...

Greetings,

Be warned this one is coming completely off the top of my head, so it is likely going to be a rambling discussion of subjects such as Pain Scales and other such things. Further, there will be other such topics of discussion when it comes to pain present here. Quite frankly, you're just going to have to read along to find out. If you want something substantially more structured, and a hell of a lot longer, have a read of the document I wrote. This one does not appear on my Patreon site because I wanted everyone to read it. I might put it up there as a public post, just to get a larger audience to read it.

Like the "Disability Conversation," the "Pain Conversation" makes people uncomfortable. In some instances it is because it results in the infamous "pain comparison" i.e., my pain is worse than yours, or I have experienced worse pain than you have. This comparison of pain is often a point-scoring exercise, rather than an exercise in understanding which is what is needed in a conversation about pain. If we can understand pain we can move toward dealing with pain.

Rather than a "pain comparison," there needs to be empathy between the people in the conversation, to try and understand the pain that the other experiences. The direction of such a conversation should be directed toward ways the pain can be dealt with, how the pain is removed, or how it is shifted so the person can get on with living. This is the important part, ensuring pain does not control our lives, that we don't just exist, that we live.

The Pain Scale in its classic form is a set of numbers from 0 - 10 where each represents the level of pain an individual happens to be in at the time. For chronic pain sufferers this scale is odd, strange even, as this mythical 0, often does not exist for them unless they are unconscious or anesthetised, or in some similar condition where the brain is inactive. Where there is chronic pain, the Pain Scale shifts, it does not shorten, it shifts, or can shift.

If an individual has "background" i.e., permanent pain, at 3, this is their new 0, therefore the 10 in their scale can be 3 steps above 10, and sometimes is due to being "used to pain." In other cases it works in a different way where the scale simply gets shorter. The other numbers are cut off, 3 is the new 0, and 7 is the new 10, because their pain has increased and their ability to cope has reduced.

In my case my Pain Scale is simply f*cked-up. Then again, I have fibromyalgia (FM), so most of my readers should not be surprised if they have been reading my posts. I have background pain all of the time, the level of which floats, depending on the day, weather, and activity. The only time I have 0 level of pain is when I am unconscious, anesthetised, or asleep (with VPAP on and night-time drugs taken). Pain usually wakes me up in the morning.

How do I deal with my "life of pain" as some writer put it? Depends. Some of the pain I can move to the back of my thoughts. I just tell it to go away because I have things to do, I am simply too busy to be in pain. Other times, I save up my "spoons" and blow the lot of them on activities I love, knowing that I am going to pay for the experience. 

Some will claim this is a "boom and bust" lifestyle and it is not good for me. My response is that I am a quality of life, not a quantity of life, sort of guy. I am going to live my life. I am not going to spend it restricting myself because an activity might hurt, or because I know it does, even though I enjoy it.

There will be those who will say, that this is not your way. No, it isn't. This is my way of living and having a life. I live and I do the things that I love. I contribute to society where I can through my activities and through my involvement with other people. I do my best to not let pain get in the way of these activities. 

I will not be bound. I will not be restricted. I will find ways and means. This is my way. I find each struggle and obstacle, not as a hindrance, but as a challenge laid before me. They are a chance for me to overcome these obstacles and struggles, but they are also a chance for me to overcome the greatest challenger of my life, myself. Pain is just another part of me that is a challenge to defeat. Look forward, not backward; look toward the life that is before you. Love your life. AMOR FATI - love your fate. 

Of interest, I went to the Pain Management Clinic (or whatever they want to call themselves this time), I saw the doctor and talked about my medications and so forth. She changed one of my medications, and my GP and I are discussing whether or not we will change another. I saw their psychologist, and her response was you are doing all that we teach, "What are you doing here?" I saw their physiotherapist and told her about what I do, she also said I was doing what I needed, "What are you doing here?" They both reported back to the doctor, and I was shortly thereafter discharged from the clinic over the phone... might have helped me dropping that 88-page monster I had previously indicated. I believe that my understanding of pain is quite complete, but I am always learning.

Cheers,

Henry.

Happy for the Challenge

 Greetings,

I do not post on this blog as much as I have previously, and I probably should. There are things which, I should speak about; which should appear on this blog because they are relevant to me as a person with a disability, but this will come a little later on. This post came about after some thought about my situation, some philosophical thought one could say, but I think it is important that I state it.

To be clear, before I begin this post, I would prefer not to have that list of conditions. I would prefer to be well, and have the concerns of finding "normal" employment. This would have given me access to my dream job, changed a lot of things in my life, and prevented a lot of things that occurred in my history. However, I do not regret any of my history, because it made me the man I am today; without all of that, I would not be presenting the blog that so many readers have enjoyed. Here I state, that I  embrace my fate, I love my life, in the words of Friedrich Nietzsche, amor fati - love your fate, and so I shall.

I am happy for the challenge that fibromyalgia and all my other conditions have presented. If I did not have my disabilities, there would be a long list of things that I would not have done, and would not have known about myself. I will present these things for you to read and to consider.

If I did not have my disabilities: 

I would not have found so much strength. My disabilities forced me to find ways to adapt to the changes in my body. They forced me to find ways to prevail where, by all accounts I should've crawled into a corner and given up. I found this strength within myself, because I had to, and because I went looking for it, because I chose to go looking for it.

I would not have the opportunities I have to write, research, and fence. My conditions have prevented me from getting a "normal" job. They have prevented me from getting the paying version of my dream job. In the same way, because I don't have a "normal" job, I have time to write, I have time to research and I have time to develop my skills in swordplay. More, to choose what I write and research, because I am beholding to no one in this regard.

I would not have the opportunity to choose my path. In the same way as the above, if I was not on the disability pension, I would have to find a job. Likely this would entail "something to pay the bills" rather than doing what I love to do. Because I am on a pension, due to my disabilities, I choose my path, choose the path of an author, fencer and self-publisher.

I would not have the opportunity to enrich my life. Some would think that this is odd due to the lower fiscal situation that disability pensioners find themselves in. I enrich my life through reading, through a greater understanding of the world, through a enriching my mind through reading philosophy and understanding the great minds that came before us. I have the time to enrich my life with knowledge.

I would not have found some of the lovely people I have, nor grown such connections with them. I have a lot of people to be thankful in my life. Without my disability I would not have found these people, and it is not because they are support people, though they all fulfil this role in their own way. No, I have grown friendships as a result of kinship through disability; friend support friends. I have found that there are good hearts out in the world, you just have to find them. I will not name these people, but I hope they know who they are. Understand this when I say, I love you all.

There are twists of fate, or circumstance if you are of a more scientific mind, which occur which seem cruel at the time. They seem to rip and tear at us, they seem to leave us twisted and broken, not the same people who we were before. It is true a person will never be the person who they were before, this is the nature of time; you are not the person you were yesterday. You are not even the person you were before you read this article. The question is always how we treat these situations and their results.

A portion of time arrives, a situation occurs during that portion of time; a person makes a choice during that portion of time. Afterward the person must learn to live with the consequences of that decision. This is life. There are circumstances where there is no choice made by the person, the choice comes afterward, the choice is how the person deals with the aftermath of the situation, here there is still choice and the consequences of that choice, and doing nothing is a choice.

The beginnings of this is being thankful for your life, and I surely am. I have many things to be thankful in my life, those listed above are a short list. Remember, your life could always be worse than it currently is, there is always someone who could claim that they are having a harder time that you. Take what you have of your life and embrace it. Take the challenge of life and live it, and live it well. Be thankful for the challenges, embrace them as a chance to grow.

Cheers, Henry.

AMOR FATI - Love Your Fate

 Greetings,

So I have been studying a little Stoicism of late, actually I have been reading and learning about Stoicism quite a bit of late as it suits my method of thinking and I wanted to share a thought about one of Stoicism's philosophical tenets. I think that this will be of assistance to some, especially those who have chronic pain, or other chronic health issues, like fibromyalgia (FM) which is what much of this blog is about, my travels through life with FM. To explain how this philosophical tenet works I will be telling a story, my story.

AMOR FATI - Love Your Fate

In the far past days of  my childhood, I had the urge to serve, I did not know this at the time, but when I look back at it this is what the urge was. My first choice of occupation was to join the military forces, my first choice for this was to join the army, go to the Australian Defence Force Academy, become an officer, lead men, and so forth. Of course, this dream was shattered when I found out that I would not pass the medical examination, I was a chronic asthmatic. So even if I was as fit and smart as the rest, No getting in there.

My second plan, once again was to serve. I wrote to my great-uncle who was an Deputy Commissioner in the Queensland Police Service whether there was a chance I could become a police officer, even being a chronic asthmatic. He wrote back to me telling me that I could but before I went for the medical, I would have to have two years completely clear of asthma. Well, that was not going to happen in a hurry, so I shelved that idea.

When we were asked in school what we wanted to be when we grew up, needless to say I had already had a good, long, think about where I was going, and my limitations. This boy wanted to be a fireman, that girl wanted to be a nurse, I decided that I wanted to be an historian. So, from them on any chance I got I would study history of what ever I could get my hands on.

The same pattern followed through my High School years, my eyes were firmly set on my goal. I had a look at other options on the way. I even dabbled a little with the idea of being a shot firer, the person who sets and detonates explosives at mines, but I was clearly going for my goal. Well, there were some stumbles, like failing my first attempt at university, and spending three-and-a-half years unemployed.

During that time of unemployment, with too high a skill level, and no qualifications, that I was put in an office traineeship. Seemed like an idea to tide me over until university places and funding was available. Then I developed pain in my fingers and wrists, to the point that I could not write or even make a sandwich. Here is where FM loomed its ugly head, of course it was misdiagnosed for about two-and-a-half years, meaning that I ended up on anti-inflammatories, which damaged the lining of my stomach, so now I cannot take them at all.

Eventually, I got a diagnosis from a specialist at the local hospital. End of the traineeship, not much good having an employee who has to take random days off because his body doesn't work. I applied for a disability pension. It was rejected and told that it would all clear up in six weeks (I wish). More job search without luck. Eventually I ended up going back to university to do the degree that would set me on the path to becoming an historian.

The Disability Support Officer at the university was great, she helped me manage my degree so I could handle the work. I was given extra time for my examinations, a laptop to type on rather than write. My lecturers were also really understanding, I was able to get extensions on my assignments when I needed them, and they understood my random absences. Only issues throughout the whole thing was dealing with the government to remain funded, and this happened almost every year.

So, you'd think a person with a degree is more easily able to find work, right? Nope. Now you are too over qualified, or under-qualified, you are sandwiched in between where you need to be. I spent a year or so being bounced around again, not finding suitable employment due to my FM. So, I went back to university to do Honours. Finished that, now I am technically qualified in my field. Of course, the offerings for historians are like hen's teeth, they do exist, just very rare.

During my last years of High School I had joined a medieval and Renaissance recreation group the SCA, and was enjoying myself recreating bits of history. If you enjoy studying history, what could be better than living bits of it? This enjoyment did not abate all the way through these ups and downs.

Along the way I had learned how to use a sword called the rapier, now think of a weapon which is the grand-father of the modern epee, and you are on the right sort of track. This is a different sort of fencing: it is not restricted to a strip, it is fought often on a marked out field called a list; unlike sport fencing, you can use your other hand sometimes even to carry another weapon; this form of fencing is based on treatises from the 13th to the 17th centuries. I was developing quite a bit of skill along the way.

To cut a much longer story short, I do still study bits of history, but it is usually something to do with fencing. I fence more than most people, and I actually teach people how to fence. I actually did get on the Disability Pension, so by default I am being paid by the government to research history, and teach people how to fence. I am also writing and publishing some books, which I never thought was going to happen. All in all I am happy with the way things have turned out. This is because I have embraced the way things have turned out rather than resented it. Yes, it has taken me longer than most to get here, but I am more comfortable with what I am doing than most are with what they are.

AMOR FATI - Love Your Fate means to love your life the way it is, not resenting things that did not happen and not hoping for things that might not happen. It is accepting things the way they are and embracing them with all your heart. I accept that my conditions impede my progress, but without them I would not be in the position that I am in now, more in control of what I do during the day than most, more in control of my career than most. Take your life and live it to its fullest.

AMOR FATI - Love Your Fate

A small side note, you will note that I have used lots of Wikipedia links. It is because I believe it is a good resource and worthy of use. It now has the research of many more respected resources as you will find in the bibliographies of many of the articles and I encourage my readers to donate to the Wikipedia to keep this valuable resource alive and free for all.