FM for Others

Greetings,

The idea of what other people can do to help a person with fibromyalgia has been something which has been rattling around in my head of late. This mainly comes from a point of people not understanding what having FM is like and also not understanding about what a person with fibromyalgia really wants in the way of support. In some ways this comes from not understanding the condition itself, but it is not just that.

Dealing with someone with a chronic condition is difficult for others most especially where they do not understand what the person wants. It is even more difficult where the person with the condition is unable to articulate what is going on or what they want. In this way it is really a two-way street in that information needs to be flowing in both directions for real understanding. With this situation in play, it is of little surprise that people get frustrated, on both sides.

So I will start with something simple. A person (friend or family) with FM approaches you and looks like they are not doing well at that time. As well as many of us have learnt to hide our pain, there is still evidence of it present. You ask how they are doing, they give you a list of what hurts and in what way (if you are lucky). Here is where people go wrong, it is not sympathy that the person wants here, they want some understanding and empathy. This is a not a competition for the "Mine hurts more than yours" trophy. You will find that empathising with the person will do a lot more for them than sympathy.

One of the greatest things about FM is the feeling of being alone. When a person empathises with them with regard to their condition, and they can see even a glimmer of understanding, the individual with the FM can see that they are not alone, and will begin to feel better. This is really simple but really useful. Sympathy is like a pat on the head and a pass off to the next topic. Empathy is engagement with another person with a degree of understanding and this is so much more useful.

The feeling of being alone also affects other things especially where it comes to getting support which can aid them. The feeling of being isolated means that many develop tough skins and become highly independent individuals. Used to struggling alone and dealing with what they can. This independence unfortunately also makes it difficult for them to ask for help, even when it is really needed. This is where some of the understanding which was mentioned before becomes even more important.

If it is your first time dealing with a person with a chronic condition knowing what to do and when is hard. This is because it is difficult to understand what is going on with the individual. It is at this time that engagement on your part is necessary, remember the point about empathy made before. Once you understand what is going on it is easier to see the signs where help would be appreciated, even if it is not asked for.

It is surprising but at this point in time, it is where the small things help. Getting an item, or volunteering to do so is helpful. Even if the request is denied, once again there is the feeling of not being alone as indicated above. Many people with FM have issues with asking for help due to some of the stigma attached to the condition, so they will often struggle, or simply do without. Small amounts of assistance go a long way at this point in time. Simple things will all person to understand that help is out there and all they have to do is ask. This may take some time though.

Most of the highly independent individuals will push until they cannot, and even at this point in time will deny help, it is at this point in time if help is denied, it may help to be a little forceful in your approach. Encouraging the help will often break through such stubbornness and make the individual realise that it is okay to ask for help, or even accept it.

This is a rather rough guide for dealing with an individual with FM. It can also apply to people with other conditions also. Many of these individuals will not ask for help, but when it is offered will take it, or understand that they are not alone. Remember it is understanding that these people want, a degree of empathy. Sympathy is a stop-gap measure, empathy and understanding are much more useful and give much more aid.

Cheers,

Henry.